By Lynn Rae
Learning to express anger in a healthy, productive way is a much better alternative to holding in this intense bipolar symptom.
The Depression-Anger Connection
It has been said that depression is anger turned inward. The first time I heard that expression it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew I had low self-esteem, but anger? Not me! I was nice to everyone. It never dawned on me that holding in my anger was just as bad as exploding all the time. As a child, I was taught to be nice to everyone. Anger was not an emotion that I ever saw in my home growing up.
When I became depressed, even though I felt angry, I didn’t have the energy to express it. I just wanted to lie on my sofa with a cover over my head and escape the real world. However, while on a euphoric high, even the slightest little annoyance would set me off.
What Was I Angry About?
It wasn’t until all this anger came out that I finally learned how to express it in a respectful manner. It took me quite a few years after being diagnosed with depression and then bipolar disorder to figure out what I was angry about.
- I was angry with myself for staying married six years longer than I should have.
- I was angry with myself for getting married in the first place even though I thought about getting our marriage annulled when we were on our honeymoon.
- I was angry with myself for being a “people-pleaser” and doing what others wanted to do rather than make my wishes known.
- I was angry with myself for walking away from my children.
- I was angry with myself because I would be intimidated by family members and not stand up to them.
Eventually, I learned to assert myself with family members who used to intimidate me. These people respect me more now and know I will stand up for myself.
How My Anger Manifested
Another way my anger came out: when I drove fast. My normal cruising speed used to be 140 kpm (about 87 mph) on the highway, which meant there would be times that I would drive much faster. What was I running from? No matter how hard you try to outrun the past and the pain, it catches up with you. The harder you try to ignore it, the harder it will take you down.
I was running from myself. I needed to take a good, long, hard look in the mirror. Who was I angry with? And why? When I finally initiated conversations with family members in which I had some unfinished business, it was then that I could finally stop running. It didn’t matter whether we agreed on the issues in question or not, I had taken that first step to make peace with the past.
By stating my side of the story, I felt free. And with that freedom, I no longer was on the run.
No Longer Repressing Emotions
Today I still get angry from time to time, especially when I am hypomanic, but I get over it very quickly because I don’t repress my emotions any more. I have learned to get things off my chest and direct them at the person I am angry with.
However, before confronting that person, I will practice in my head what I want to say. If I still need more reassurance, I will talk with a girlfriend beforehand. She will give me her perspective on the situation and tell me possible scenarios for how the person might react. This usually gives me the confidence I need to proceed and air my grievances in a respectful manner.
What I have learned is that repressing anger is never a good idea. If something is really bothering you, the best thing you can do is to talk about it until you come to terms with it and can let it go.