By Lynn Rae
A few years ago, my anxiety was getting the better of me. I was restless; I couldn’t sit still to watch TV; I paced around my apartment; I couldn’t read. I knew my mood was going down and I was going to have to do something about it – AND FAST! I called my psychiatrist. I told him I had 3 strikes against me:
- I had nothing meaningful to do during the day
- I was deeply in debt
- I had no “significant other” in my life
I knew if I could solve one of these problems the other two wouldn’t be so overwhelming.
My psychiatrist wanted me to take a pill for anxiety. I’m not sure what happened to me that day but I knew this was not the answer any more. It was a quick fix; I was looking for a long-term solution to my problem. I am not saying psychiatrists are wrong but this time I knew what the answer was and it didn’t come in the form of a pill. I needed some encouragement and someone to believe in me. Having a friend or family member for support is good but you also need to believe in yourself. You can make small changes in your life every day and week that will assist you on your road to recovery.
I sent an E-Mail that same day to a man who had become my mentor. This is someone I have never spoken to on the phone or met in person. We started E-Mailing by chance and he has given me some very good advice over the years with a bit of religion thrown in. He responded to my E-Mail that day with a bit of tongue-lashing. He told me to stop feeling sorry for myself, volunteer, get out of my apartment and talk to people and think about all the positives in my life instead of the negatives. I knew he was right. That very day I went to my local mental health drop-in center. I could see that I was further along in my recovery than many people there so I asked if I could do a talk. They welcomed me with open arms. Years earlier I couldn’t find anyone to inspire me and give me hope that I could thrive in spite of the label “bipolar disorder.” I looked to famous people like Patty Duke, Robin Williams, Carrie Fisher and Kay Redfield Jamieson to convince myself that I could have a fantastic life!
The day I had been dreaming about 10 years earlier had finally come to pass. I was going to give people hope that a person could have a happy, productive life in spite of a mental illness diagnosis. In a short period of time things were snowballing. I found other places to speak about my recovery including CAMH, mental health centres, libraries, Rotary Clubs and universities. Even though I wasn’t making a living at it, I was deliriously happy! I started re-writing the book I had written years earlier called “My Journey Back to Myself.” That’s exactly what bipolar disorder was for me; it was about finding myself again.
Did my anxiety completely disappear once I started talking? I would have to say a resounding “YES!” I was focused on helping others instead of feeling sorry for myself. Did I get out of debt quickly? NO! But I wasn’t so focused on my money problems and because I was working hard at public speaking, I wasn’t making impulse purchases every day and week. My life finally had purpose, direction and meaning! Did I find the man of my dreams? No, but because I was focused on myself and helping others, I wasn’t obsessing about the fact that I was alone.
The cause of anxiety is living in the past or the future. When I learned how to focus on what is going on in my life in the moment and stopped worry about what happened yesterday or what is going to happen tomorrow, my anxiety subsided. Life for today!
Since that day when my anxiety was through the roof, I have not even come close to being that anxious. Now when I am nervous or anxious about something, I prefer to call it adrenaline. I do something physical to release it such as housework, gardening or cooking.