By Stephen Propst
When negative thoughts are flooding your mind, force them out and give your self-confidence a boost.
It’s easy for me to buy things for others, but hard for me to accept gifts. I really don’t deserve anything.” “It’s not worth it. I just can’t seem to get my act together these days.”
Sound familiar? If you’ve ever found yourself speaking or thinking along these lines, you may be suffering low self-esteem. Many of us who deal with bipolar disorder do. We have a hard time heeding Shakespeare’s famous advice from Hamlet: “To thine own self be true.”
When you take a look in the mirror, do you like the person looking back? How you see yourself defines, in part, your self-esteem as does what you think about yourself. Your self-esteem transcends the normal “ups and downs” associated with situational changes in life, and it goes beyond the mood swings of a mental illness. Self-esteem is far more fundamental: It shapes your reality and significantly impacts the overall quality of your life.
Managing a case of bipolar disorder is tough enough, but when it coexists with low self-esteem, a vicious cycle can occur, with each aggravating the other. The shame and helplessness often associated with bipolar disorder can deal a heavy blow to your self-esteem. And, poor self-esteem has far-reaching consequences. Not only does it create anxiety and stress, making recovery more difficult, but it also increases the likelihood of having a depressive phase that can be prolonged. Furthermore, your vulnerability to drug or alcohol abuse can be increased. And, significantly, relationships are further impaired, perhaps with the very people who could help you the most.
At a recent bipolar disorder support group, 88 percent of those in attendance reported having low self-esteem with such problems as:
- Indecision about what is wanted out of life
- Inability to make decisions
- Worrying excessively about appearance
- Feelings of rejection
- Over-sensitivity
- Withdrawal
- Having to do everything to perfection
- Unwilling to try new things
- Engaging in negative self-talk
- Unable to accept compliments
All of the above issues negatively impact your stability and well-being, especially if you have bipolar disorder. Let’s look at the reasons for achieving and maintaining a healthy self-esteem:
- You can access yourself accurately and value yourself unconditionally.
- You are more in touch with your instincts and intuition as well as to the input of those around you.
- You avoid being anchored down by past baggage or tormented by anxious thoughts about the future.
- You solve problems more creatively and assertively.
- You are more self-disciplined and patient in your decision-making, not reckless and impulsive.
- You possess an overall sense of power and capability even when you’re anxious or fearful.
Repairing your self-esteem helps to give you a more solid foundation from which to manage bipolar disorder and maintain your recovery. The first step may seem simple, but it’s important: You must be willing to admit there’s room for improvement.
Are you willing to start with that acknowledgment? Good. Let’s get to work on your self-esteem. First, here are some general principles to keep in mind. To improve your self-esteem, you need to:
Come to grips with your past and accept yourself for who you are. Therapy can be of value in this process.
Learn to break old, destructive habits, some of which may be deeply entrenched and difficult to abandon.
Be willing to make mistakes. They are learning opportunities, not failures.
- Stop comparing yourself to others.
- Overestimating others often leads to underestimating yourself.
- Choose your friends wisely. Spend time with people who have healthy self-esteem themselves.
- Identify your essential purpose in life.
- Be willing to make changes that move you in that direction.
- Build upon your strengths, existing talents, and skills, instead of dwelling on your weaknesses.
- Be willing to seek help from others.
- This can be difficult if you keep telling yourself you don’t deserve it.
Improving self-esteem is a process; it doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient and be willing to go the distance to get healthy. If you are really serious about repairing your self-esteem, here are eight straightforward, hands-on things you can do, starting now:
1) Take time today to make a list of 10 past successes.
Don’t discount “minor” victories— small achievements count. Refer to it three times a day for the next two weeks. Fully recreate and experience the positive feelings attached to each success.
2) Make a list (again today) of 20 of your positive qualities.
Perhaps you’re creative, compassionate, long-suffering, or unselfish. Dwell on your assets, not your inadequacies. Take time each day to stand in front of a mirror, smile, and review your list.
3) Schedule time for a hobby
Starting today, schedule at least one hour a day for a hobby or some leisure activity that brings you enjoyment. If you can exercise at the same time, that’s even better.
4) Make a list of things that you feel good about
Before bed each night (starting tonight), make a list of five to 10 things that you feel good about from the day. For example, “The alarm went off. I got up and got dressed.” Nothing’s too insignificant. Try this for two weeks, and see what happens.
5) Write small positive affirmations to yourself
Take a small index card and write a positive affirmation about yourself. For example: “I am a valuable, lovable person. I’m not perfect, but I am perfectible. A mistake is not a defeat. It’s a learning opportunity and a chance to grow.” Use whatever language works best for you. Read the affirmation aloud at least 25 times each day for the next two weeks. Again, be willing to experience the positive feelings that arise as you reprogram your mind for the better. (My therapist had me do this 50 times a day. I’m giving you a break!)
6) Accept compliments
Make a conscious effort over the next month to accept compliments. Don’t reject or downplay the nice things people say about you. You’re worthy of the praise! This exercise is more difficult than it might seem. To make things easier at first, just say, “thank you.”
7) Flood your mind with positive, constructive input
Within the next five days, begin reading a good book or listening to a tape on self-esteem. Consider attending a seminar or workshop. You get out what you put in; flood your mind with positive, constructive input.
8) Spend time with others
Make a commitment to join a social group or, even better, do some volunteer work within the next week. It’s easy, when you have bipolar disorder, to isolate yourself, thinking that others won’t accept you or that you have nothing to offer. Such a perspective can damage your self-image. When you spend time with others or give of yourself, you feel more valuable and boost your self-esteem in the process. In your area, there are many agencies, clubs, and organizations that can help you get involved.
Only when you face yourself as you truly are and work to repair your self-esteem can you have the rich life that you deserve. Results can come faster than you think. Just rephrasing what you say or think can help foster positive self-esteem. Remember the statements at the beginning of this article? Look at the difference:
“The next time I receive a gift from someone, I’m going to say, ‘Thank you!’ It makes me feel good to know that others appreciate me and value me as a friend.”
“I am going to take things one day at a time and not be afraid or ashamed to let others know what my limits are.”
The real you is not a bipolar disorder diagnosis. The real you is far more special and infinitely more intriguing. The more you are true to your self-esteem, the more the real you emerges. As you make progress, keep looking in that mirror. You’ll become more and more satisfied with the person staring back at you!
Used by permission.