Have you ever been confronted by a situation and were flabbergasted at the negative way you reacted? Did you feel like your body and mind had been hijacked and you completely lost your ability to think clearly? You might be exhibiting symptoms of childhood trauma. We are often not conscious of what triggers these behavior patterns. Here are ten ways to begin the process of healing your trauma so the trauma in your life will no longer hold you back.
What is trauma and is it real?
In their article 10 Ways to Heal from Trauma, Verywellmind.com defines trauma as a negative event that can be either physical or emotional. Trauma is your body and mind’s response to the traumatic event or events. Mastin Kipp, creator of Functional Life Coaching, believes that the stress from the event “causes your nervous system to go into a fight-or flight- response, which hijacks resources from the neural frontal lobe, where execution function skills like decision- making and memory live. The stress from your childhood trauma has affected your brain. Psychologist Kate Eshleman says that researchers have found that the same protein called S100B found in the brain after a concussion is also present in similarly high levels of children who have experienced emotional trauma. The effects are real, but there is hope for healing.
1. Admit your trauma is affecting you.
The first step in your healing process is to admit that your childhood trauma is affecting your everyday life. This step might seem like it is obvious or unnecessary, but it is important. In my late 30s, I had a lot of stress in my life with a turbulent marriage and seven children, two of whom had special needs. Their issues were triggering the childhood trauma I had experienced from my mother. I thought I had dealt with it years before as I had been in counseling for a short time previously. As I struggled with my own children, I became painfully aware that I had more work to do to heal from my own childhood. I needed to accept where I was in this process without blaming myself. I learned that I could deal with the trauma, or the trauma would deal with me.
2. Dealing with trauma is a marathon, not a sprint
It's important to remember that healing from trauma will take time and energy, especially if you ultimately want to live in freedom. Mastin Kipp of Functional Life Coaching says that when you begin to understand that your trauma does not define you, it is a revelation when you can say something happened to me, but it is not who I am.” Most likely you have lived with your trauma for years, and your body and mind have layers of coping mechanisms. Those coping mechanisms have been in place for a long time as means of protection. Being patient with yourself, albeit proactive, will yield the best result.
3. Find the best help for you
Step 3 involves finding the best help for you. For some it is a trusted friend. I struggle with emotional eating. When I have an argument with someone or get stressed about something, I have a pattern of going to a fast-food restaurant and eating junk food. It is horrible for my health, much less my figure. It is my version of “having a drink” to wind down and has become a habit. I was also very embarrassed about it and didn’t want to tell anyone. I happened to share it with my husband, and I was amazed at what that did for me. It was like shining light on a dark part of myself, and I felt so much better. The next day when I felt stressed, my mind went to my usual pattern of eating, but today I was able to say no. I realized I was stressed, but I wasn’t hungry. I handled the feelings differently and felt like I was on a better path to healthy eating.
You may feel better seeking a counselor. Many churches have counseling programs that are free. Oftentimes the counselors are volunteers with life experience and have gone through a training program. If the church counselor feels you need more specialized help, they may refer you to someone more trained to handle your specific issue. You can always seek the advice of a mental health professional right away if that is your preference. The internet has much information on how to find and contact a mental health professional.
4. Find a creative outlet
Engaging in a creative activity is an excellent outlet in healing from trauma. You could try art therapy, creative writing or journaling, or music. I have started journaling to try to understand my problem of emotional eating and how it is related to my childhood trauma. I have begun to enjoy the process more and more. I really recommend journaling and approaching it through prayer. I ask God before each journaling session to help bring things to my mind, and I write down those thoughts. A psychologist I saw in my past told me that the damage from trauma is not the event itself as much as it is the lie or belief about yourself that you took away from the event. I then ask God what lie I am believing. After writing down what comes to me, I then ask Him what He wants me to believe instead. This approach is working well for me and has helped my remembering. I also like to go back and read what I have written and see the progress I am making. The creative process will help form new pathways in your brain as well. If you are feeling very fragile from trauma, I recommend that you use this approach with a professional for your safety.
5. Exercising regularly is a wonderful addition to healing from trauma. Not only will regular exercise improve your health and release endorphins, it can also help to regulate you when you are feeling dysregulated. Anna Runkle from The Crappy Childhood Fairy recommends physical movement to get your emotions back in check. Pick something you enjoy and want to do. If you have not exercised at all, don’t beat yourself up. Start small and work up in small increments each day. You may need to start with 5 minutes. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and see the improvement.
6. Meditation is very helpful in healing from trauma. Quieting your mind and body is very therapeutic. I like to pick a verse from the Bible that is specific to my situation. I have struggle with fear and anxiety since I was a little girl. I am afraid a lot! Sometimes fear just comes over me with any warning or pretense. I cannot even explain why I am afraid. I have a favorite verse that speaks to me in the moment from the second book of Timothy 1: 7. I say to myself that God has not given me a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. The fear really does lift off and I get a feeling of peace in return. I may have to say it over a few times and really think carefully about what the verse really means. It has helped me so much. I like to meditate on scripture best because it comes with a special promise. God promises that when we use His words, He backs them up to accomplish the purpose of what they are saying. If you prefer you may pick a quote or a saying that means something special to you in lieu of scripture. Meditating will form new neural pathways in the brain which help to heal our trauma.
7. Getting Closure
According to Delta Discovery Center, getting closure with your trauma is another key therapy technique. They recommend writing a letter to the person who is the source of your trauma. I have found this technique incredibly helpful many times in my life. One specific time I used it was when my mother died. We had a turbulent relationship throughout my childhood and adult life. I tried to repair things with her on several occasions but was unsuccessful. Her last wishes were very traumatizing to me and caught me completely by surprise. I didn’t know how I was going to carry this hurt with me for the rest of my life. I desperately wanted to talk with her about it. I decided to write her a letter. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me write it. I think it is very therapeutic to ask God to help you write the letter. He knows all and will bring to your mind things you may have forgotten or even suppressed. I wrote my mother a letter and did not hold back. I dropped that letter in her casket. I can’t say the closure was immediate, but it was a strategic first step of healing.
You may or may not decide to give that letter to the source of your trauma. Only you can decide if that would be prudent in your situation. Regardless of whether you show it to anyone or not, I would write the first draft without filtering your emotions in any way. Don’t hold back! Don’t feel like you have to say it the right way. Just get it ALL OUT! Purge yourself of all those negative feelings you have been carrying around. It is a great step toward finding freedom from your trauma.
You could also write a letter to yourself from the perspective of the person who inflicted your trauma. Trying to see the event from their perspective might help to dispel your anger and hurt as you attempt to find understanding. You may feel you are letting them off the hook for their part but seeking to understand and empathize can be an integral part in helping you heal from trauma.
8. Resist being a victim
You feel victimized from your trauma but don’t be a victim. This statement may make you mad. You may be saying to me, “You don’t know what they did. I am a victim!” Yes, you are, but don’t BE a victim. There is a difference! Victimhood keeps you stuck. It says you are defined by your trauma. Letting your trauma define you makes you feel powerless and hopeless. Take your power back and concentrate on having a victorious mindset about what you have gone through. I meditate on a verse that helps me feel victorious over my trauma. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says that God comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. That verse makes me confident that when I go through something hard and painful, such as my trauma, I can use that same experience to help someone else who may also be going through the same thing. I can do something good out of the deep and painful hurt. It makes me feel that what I have gone through can be turned into something redemptive.
9. Forgive the source of your trauma!
This step is huge! It is also the hardest! Forgiveness and all that entails is so misunderstood, but God requires us to forgive each other. Our loving heavenly father knows that if we don’t forgive, our feelings of unforgiveness will poison us and keep us stuck in our trauma. Unforgiveness keeps us from moving forward in a healthy way. It makes us bitter and whether we’re conscious of it or not, it affects our current relationships for the worse.
The most poignant imagery I have heard about holding onto unforgiveness involved garbage. Refusing to forgive someone Is like chaining yourself to rotten, stinky garbage and refusing to let it go! You carry it around with you wherever you go. Yuck!
God wants you to be free which is why He wants you to forgive.
How Do you Forgive?
First forgiveness doesn’t mean that you condone the behavior of the person who caused your trauma. You aren’t giving them a pass! You are doing this for yourself and for your healing. Forgiving the one who inflicted you is laying down your right to take revenge on them or punish them in any way. Your act gives only God the right to avenge your pain. By saying I forgive this person for (state the offense), you are giving it to God. It is no longer yours, and you will be on your way to freedom and healing. You may have to repeat this process several times a day, not because it didn’t work the first time. You are reminding yourself that you are no longer holding that event against that person. You are letting it go. Sometimes I am in constant prayer asking God to help me let the offense go. It is a process, but it is so worth it.
What If You Need to Forgive God?
Whether your trauma was from a specific event or a specific person, you might feel that God should have protected you from it. You may be very angry with Him and disappointed. Trusting in Him seems like too big a stretch. You may be asking the question WHY…? I don’t have the answer to that question of “WHY” either. We all struggle with that question. Believe me when I tell you that God can handle your anger, your doubt, your disappointment, and your unbelief. He has handled mine many times. When I was 40, I had a miscarriage. I had taken care of myself and had prayed for the health and development of the baby. I thought I was covered. My entire family was excited, well at least most of them! I felt like my faith in God for this baby was the strongest it had ever been in any of my other pregnancies. I was shocked when the doctor could find no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I was almost into the second trimester, but the baby had not developed accordingly. I was still pregnant, but the baby was no longer alive. I was sent home to wait until “nature” took its course. At first, I was just really sad. My family was very sad. I prayed everything I knew to pray, including asking for a miracle. I then got very angry with God and shut Him out of my grieving process. I blamed Him! I still don’t know why I lost that baby. I do know some things though. I know that many other women reached out to comfort me during my miscarriage, and I felt less alone. Although many were just acquaintances of mine, their gestures of care helped me to experience God’s love in my grief even though I had shut him out. My grief eventually began to heal and subside. I know God didn’t leave me. I left Him. He promises He won’t leave us, and He doesn’t! I missed out on noticing those special ways that He communicates with us and the special times he brings things into our lives that seem to be coincidences, but we know are orchestrated by the Father. I walked through my grief without Him, and I didn’t have to.
Many years later my second son passed away unexpectedly. I remember saying to God the following: “I don’t understand this, and I don’t like it. When I had my miscarriage, I went through that without you. This time I am choosing to go through this with you!” I still don’t know why, but I felt that God was with me this time. I didn’t feel alone, and He was my guide through the grief process. I could have gotten stuck on the why, but I think that is one of those questions that you have to give to Him. It has been a long difficult process, thirteen years thus far. Seeing His goodness in my life and focusing on the things I can be thankful for have helped me to let that question go. Don’t get me wrong, I still wonder why. I still miss my son like crazy, but God is helping me to carry that pain in a way that doesn’t crush me. I have hope! I have also been able to help other people who are faced with the same pain.
If you are angry with God, I hope you can forgive Him. All the techniques I listed above will help you in the process. I can honestly say that grieving with Him is far superior to grieving without Him!
10. The final suggestion to heal from your trauma is to take your life ONE DAY AT A TIME. I got the idea about one day at a time from the Bible first. Jesus says in Matthew 6:34 from the Passion Translation: “Refuse to worry about tomorrow, but deal with each challenge that comes your way, one day at a time. Tomorrow will take care of itself.”
The idea of one day at a time was also sprinkled through the daily devotional, Courage to Change One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II, given to me by my best friend because she knew that my father had struggled with alcoholism. I found this resource very helpful and enlightening in how it exposed some of my own beliefs and behaviors, or as Verywell mind calls it, “stinking thinking.” As you have been undergoing the process of healing and recovery from your trauma, Verywell mind says the fog will start to lift; You will hopefully be able to see yourself and your trauma more clearly. The 12-step model can be very helpful to work through if you have come from a family dynamic of addiction or even mental health issues. You can also expect to have ups and downs in your healing journey. When you struggle and go back to your old ways of dealing with your trauma or your patterned ways of reacting, remember the next minute, hour, day…can be a different one. Give yourself some grace and try again. New patterns and pathways will take time and practice to develop. Don’t traumatize yourself further by being your worst critic. Be as kind and supportive to yourself as you would your closest friend! Just remember to celebrate your wins one day at a time.
His Will Homes has a free video series that talks about how you can heal from trauma featuring Rick Araujo. He has a fascinating story that illustrates the power of God in his healing from addiction and abuse. Check it out and start your own healing journey!