We were married at 18 after being together since we were 15 and 16 and life was good. Just two young kids in love with no worries in the world, but what did our future hold? I personally did not realize that a work accident would change the course of our lives and I would become the caregiver of a man suffering from mental illness. I worked in the healthcare field working with a psychiatrist never knowing that some of our patients’ stories would become my story.
Alcohol was his drug of choice and we all know that alcohol can make depression worse. Then there was the back injury, then surgeries, then rehab, then the inability to work and the drinking. Then came the suicide attempt on my 40th birthday, my son’s first day of his senior year, my daughter’s first day of high school, and our 22nd year of marriage. I should have seen the signs – the signs of depression getting worse, the despair, the helplessness, the anger but I did not. I failed him, my husband; I failed to get him the help he needed until it was almost too late. I failed my children on one of the most important days of their lives and I hid the suicide attempt. I stayed up and watched him all night but when the kids were off to school, I called 911. Well, of course the kids had to be told after school and they were mad.
I was mad, I was hurt, and I was feeling guilty. This now begins the journey for the rest of our lives; hospitalizations, therapists, psychiatrists, medication changes, days and nights of my tears and his, now our daily journey. Time does not make a difference but the depression, as ugly as it is, is always present. When you wake up in the morning will we have a good day or a bad day? Yet, no one knows in our circle of friends or family. No one knows what I deal with every day. Most times the children do not even know until one day they ask if Dad missed his medication. They finally get it, the children finally understand, but no one else knows. It is our family secret.
We are now 42 years into our marriage. We have learned how to survive the mental illness cycle of life. Twenty years of trial and error. Twenty years of finding what works for us to get through the bad days.
Twenty years of finally seeing more good days than bad days. Twenty years of finding ways to cope for both of us. Twenty years of figuring out that my own self-care has to be important for me. Twenty years of him finally realizing that it is okay for him to tell me when it is more than he can handle and it is time to get him more help.
And yet, no one really knows what I go through every day. There are days I need to call him often when I know that it is going to be a bad day or maybe even a bad week. There are days that I need to make sure that he is taking his medicine, ensuring that he is eating properly, ensuring that he gets enough rest all to keep away the bad days and making sure he knows even with the bad days I still love him unconditionally.
This is my life as a caregiver of my greatest love who just happens to suffer from depression. This is my life of making sure that I am taking care of myself. This is my life, making sure that I share that there is help for those who suffer from mental illness. This is my life, making sure that no one has to suffer alone. And if you asked me what it takes to make mental illness manageable for me it is – my love for my husband and my faith in God that I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. And sometimes that is all I can go on but I do and we do, together as one big team to fight the demons of mental illness.