By Stephen Propst
When bipolar disorder blinds you, it’s difficult to see if you crossed any line and broke any boundaries.
Why are there lines on a football field or on a tennis court? Why do you sometimes find a Do Not Enter sign posted on a door? When you need to define a limit or protect turf, you set boundaries. Just like you’ve seen it spelled out across yellow police tape, the message is simple: DO NOT CROSS.
Establishing healthy boundaries has been instrumental in my life. As part of my recovery, I had to set limits when others were sabotaging my process, instead of constructively supporting it. Likewise, my father had to draw the line with me whenever my behavior was out of control. When he laid down the law, he was absolutely justified in doing so. (Being a judge, he was good at that!) He said that my having bipolar was not an excuse to walk all over my family and friends. Out of love, he was giving me encouragement to do a better job at staying in bounds.
Learning to draw the line especially comes into play in dealing with a mood disorder. If you’re someone who lives with bipolar, setting boundaries is fundamental to your recovery. If you’re a family member or friend, doing so is essential to your sanity!
Taking control
Managing how you let others treat you is vital to taking care of yourself, whether you live with bipolar or support someone who does. When it comes to setting personal boundaries, honest communication is essential. But beware of bursting out and blowing up with nothing to show for it! You don’t want to make verbal assaults and accusations with no meaningful follow-up. How often have you said or heard remarks like these?
- You do this all the time!
- You shouldn’t treat me like this after all I’ve done for you.
- You’re a pain in the neck.
- You are driving me crazy.
- You make me so mad.
- You’re hurting me.
Step 1. Speak out and state what you consider to be unacceptable behavior. Be very precise about what troubles you. The other person cannot read your mind. You want the person to fully understand what’s at issue, and you want him to become keenly aware of the behavior in question.
Example: Whenever you see my mood change at all, you roll your eyes, sigh and ask me if I’m taking my medication.
Step 2. Describe your feelings. It’s not necessary to make accusations. Your goal is for the other person to grasp what emotions you are experiencing.
Example: When you react like that, I feel belittled and hurt as if you have stripped me of my humanity and reduced me to a diagnosis.
Step 3. Identify your expectations. Again, avoid being vague. Be specific about what you want.
Example: I want and need your support. You’ve played a valuable role in my recovery. However, when you constantly gauge my symptoms and attribute what could be normal emotion to my illness, it’s dehumanizing. Just because I have an illness doesn’t mean that I don’t have a personality. So, from this point forward, please stop jumping to conclusions. While I respect your right to have an opinion, I want you to consider my perspective as well.
Step 4. Spell out the consequences of crossing the line, without antagonizing anyone or making threats. Don’t view setting boundaries as a form of punishment. When a person opts to ignore your request and persists in behaving in a manner unacceptable to you, he chooses the repercussion. You can initially test a person’s receptivity by asking this simple question: “Do you fully understand what I’m saying?”
Example: If you continue to cause me to feel demeaned, I am going to start spending less time with you. If I cannot find the type of constructive support I need from you, I’ll have to find it elsewhere. I trust that you understand my need to look out for my continued recovery.
Step 5. Once you use this formula for establishing boundaries, stand firm! After all, boundaries are worthless if they’re not enforced. Don’t let the other person brush off your concern. Someone may defend himself by saying he was only joking. Or he may defensively tell you not to be so sensitive. Respond assertively.
Example: You may have been kidding, but I am not. Or, I’m not being sensitive; I’m taking a stand.
Now, let’s step back a moment. Don’t forget that other people have a need to set boundaries too. Make sure that you honor their limits. Strike a balance when you take a stand. While you don’t want to be too passive in defending your own rights, you don’t want to be disrespectful of other people’s rights either.
What good are boundaries?
The purpose of setting physical boundaries is patently obvious. But, it’s not always so apparent how important it is to establish emotional and psychological boundaries — especially when bipolar disorder is involved. All too often, we fail to set limits that protect ourselves.
Whether bipolar impacts your life first or secondhand, you have the right to protect and defend yourself. Creating boundaries defines what you will and will not tolerate, and lets others know when they are behaving in a way that is unacceptable. Learning to set limits enables you to take charge of your affairs and control your life. Ultimately, boundaries are empowering because they give you the freedom to achieve peace of mind.
The whole point of having boundaries is not to separate us from each other but to enable us to more peacefully coexist in healthy, interdependent relationships. That said, setting a boundary always involves the risk of having to enforce a consequence. In some cases, that could mean having to end a relationship. But, the risk of not establishing boundaries is worse: allowing others to walk all over you and steal your peace of mind.
If you live with bipolar or support someone who does, boundaries are essential to your emotional well-being and overall health. Properly establishing boundaries gives you the freedom to live your life to the fullest and the strength to be there for others in a worthwhile way. Take care of yourself and others by learning to draw the line. You can start today.
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You know it’s time to set some boundaries when…
- You are being abused or taken advantage of in any way—physically, emotionally, sexually or financially.
- Someone is walking all over you, treating you like a doormat.
- You feel as if someone else is controlling you.
- Someone is overly involved in your life.
- You feel frustrated, angry or hurt by another’s actions.
- Someone is treating you in a condescending manner.
Proper Boundaries
- Control how you allow others to treat you
- Speak to actual behaviors rather than to just your interpretation
- Enable you to take responsibility for your emotions
- Involve clear communication and don’t arise out of anger or blame
- Allow for gradual, reasonable change and not immediate, unrealistic results
- Are not meant to be threats
- Are always based in love—love for yourself and others
- Are essential for healthy relationships
- Are only as effective as your willingness to enforce consequences
- Enhance, not limit, life
Used by permission.